feel.

for the first time in a long time, i feel.

i know it sounds dumb, but herein i celebrate:

it's true! i can actually FEEL something!

today i heard an achingly beautiful song that evoked such contrasting emotions as comfort and confusion, peace & anxiety...all at the same time! in one fell, stupid swoop! so painfully beautiful was this composition, in fact, that it gave me an instantaneous, tried and true stomach ache. the old fashioned kind, to be exact--an army of butterflies on speed inside my belly. now, my friends...now we're talkin'.

but let's pause a moment: i implore you. please do not underestimate the aforementioned "emo" state because i am dead serious. my eyes got wet. i was assaulted with conflicting feelings of happiness and sadness. i questioned my reality. i got mad at god for "forgetting" me. i laughed. i scribbled in my journal. i frantically searched for my black eyeliner. i felt alive. i pressed repeat.

so now then, i wonder...in the midst of my grotesque honesty--is this okay? for a 28 year-old?

oddly enough, i am somehow eerily pacified by the fact that i am not completely numb to the beauties of this world...that i can still manage to sap out to some melancholy song about being average without even batting an eye. although consistently hyper-aware of my every thought and feeling, i think i experience a strange sense of calm when i simply allow them to crumble to the ground around me, burying me in a pile of my own dust. it is in these moments that i truly know who i am. i am the moments that have preceded me; i am the moments that are to come. i am a mess...broken and bruised and trying my damnedest to love every one and every thing i come into contact with. even if it makes me feel tired or weird or increasingly alone.

i press repeat.

my PERFECT day.

hello, 4 followers.

i would like to tell you about my very perfect day.

-i woke up without an alarm (it was at 8:30 am no less and due to the abrupt sound of about 1,000 marbles being dropped on the hardwood floor of my neighbor's room above me, but whatever).

-i (deep) cleaned my kitchen.

-i worked on my compost. yuck/cool!

-i went on a beautiful 5-mile run along the ocean with my dear friend Quyen. we did lots of catching up while taking in the clear, crisp air.

-we ate some of my homemade dairy-free, sugar-free carob ice cream (sounds boring, but it is DIIIIVINE...i could just marry this ice cream maker).

-i took a gooood shower. the kind where you shave your legs and leave your conditioner on for a long time and everything.

-i rode my bike down to Belmont Shore with my friend Mikey for the Haute Dog Parade. i about died and went to heaven; i have never seen anything like it in my life. LOBSTERS, TACOS, HOT DOGS, SUSHI, JEDIS, BEES, LADYBUGS, HOOTERS GIRLS. yep. HOOTERS GIRLS. these dogs were dressed up like people. i lost my mind. the. best. thing. ever.

-we ditched that scene for yogurtland. their new seasonal flavors are PUMPKIN (!) PECAN PRALINE (!!) and GINGERBREAD (meh). they are giving out "collectible" Sanrio/Harajuku-esque spoons. i am happy.

-Mikey and i get back to our bikes and there is, no joke, a PIZZA on it. a PEPPERONI PIZZA. honest to God. the weirdest thing. we had bites of it, then spit it out. it felt too weird.

-i just made a beard for my Babe-raham Lincoln costume (which i'm not sure that i'll wear, but at least i've got the option) and this (maybe crazy?) old man came up to me and talked to me all about his day/what he's doing tonight/what i'm doing tonight/etc. i like living by the park.

-my roommate Katie and i are now drinking coffee and watching MonsterQuest on the History Channel. it is genius. so far today they've done a special on Big Foot and now we are dealing with a Monster Shark.

-and who knows what next? it's my life.

pumpkin patch kids

sometimes, it's just a good time to do something old-school. i find it so refreshing to engage in activities reminiscent of the purer, less-jaded days of yore. it is so nice to sit back, relax, and have some good clean fun...carve a pumpkin! laugh a little! don't forget the snacks.

so we did it. a few girlfriends and i carved pumpkins the other night. here's a little glimpse of the scene:
we forgot candles, so you can't really see, but from the left, we have:

-quyen's "monster!"
-melinda's "tim burton-inspired jack-o-lantern"
-nic's "john lennon?" (i think it was supposed to be a scary lady (weird) but it ended up looking like one of those greasy dungeons & dragons/magic card guys from high school...the whole thing just kind of makes me uncomfortable)
-jen/tiff's "recession pumpkin" (they split one, so each carved one side of the face)

we laughed so hard we cried. and we ate snacks. like a lot of them. ok, I ate a lot of them.

here's me with my pumpkin, giving you a curtsy (i know you can't really see it, but believe me anyway):

and now, i implore you, little bumpkins, go on and carpe snacks and pumpkins.

i wish i were an american boy...

recently i purchased an old copy of the 7th edition of the boy scout handbook. it is filled with beautiful full-color illustrations of canoes and teepees and different kinds of snakes and boys giving each other high-fives. there are step-by-step instructions on how to communicate in morse code or give CPR or take a shower. it is my new favorite book. in the beginning, the editors address "you--american boy," and it goes a little something like this:

Have you ever dreamed of hiking the wilderness trails that were worn down under moccasins hundreds of years ago? Do you hear in your imagination the almost soundless dip-dip of Indian canoe paddles or the ring of the ax of any early pioneer hewing a home out of the American wilderness? Have you followed with your mind's eye the covered wagons on the trek across our continent? Have you thought of the men and women who built our country by their determination and devotion?

{and to EVERY question my answer is YES! YES! YESSSSS!!! but i realize they aren't even talking to me...which makes me sad, especially after this last part.}

You are the descendant of those people. You are the guardian of what they built. You are the American on whom the future of our wonderful country depends.

ohh. hmm.

damn it.

wheatgrass!

superfood.

not a bird, not a plane, but superfood. superfood with super-benefits and in my humble opinion, super-awesome flavor.

people think it's weird, but i like it. i like putting neon-green, yummy-tasting vitamins into my body while the rest of the world is eating a cheeseburger. it makes me feel subversive.

"oh, i'm such a rebel," i sometimes think. "look at me with my healthy radioactive juice...i'm really 'going against the grain' here."

there's something about the secret pride i feel whenever i tell someone i just had some and they gag a little. "heh, heh, heh," i think to myself. "these jerks just can't handle it."

or maybe it's just the fact that they give it to you in a shotglass. there's something about choosing to pound this glow-in-the-dark stuff over a shot of jameson that really makes me feel like a badass. the clean kind. the kind of badass that smells fresh like gardenias and can point out all your spelling errors in seconds flat. i don't know what it is, but i like it.

in sum:

-i like wheatgrass.

-i like being healthy.

-i like 3 pounds of vitamins being packed into one little baby shot. (this saves time and money, also known as "efficiency," something else that i like)

-i like feeling like a badass.*

*note: if you too would like to feel like a badass, next time you're craving some onion rings, go to a juice bar, order a shot of wheatgrass, and when they ask you if you want an orange wedge as a chaser, say no. so hardcore.

time capsules?

um, okay.

so i just want to rant a little.

ever since i was little, i always wanted to make a time capsule. i have this faint, distant memory of creating one for school and eventually burying it in my backyard, but if, in fact, my memory serves me correctly, i'm pretty positive it was made out of a shoebox (because what else would we have used?) and thus rotted away, completely defeating the purpose indicated in its very name. anyway, i really always wanted a really, really cool one. i wanted to encapsulate an era--to define a time--to bottle culture. it seemed like this intensely important job, being an editor of life! of time! royal, really. needless to say, i imagined mine looking like...well, a CAPSULE. like a little pill. like this, minus satsuki and the creepy winnie the pooh paraphernalia.

so, i'm doing some work online today and i stumble upon "obama's time capsule" and i'm thinking, finally, someone's gotten hip to this...he really did it. he put all these little things from his campaign inside a little tube and he buried it in the white house garden. so i click click click to get to the bottom of what appears to be my dream come true. a presidential time capsule. genius. 

guess again.

 not only is it not actually "obama's" capsule, it isn't even a freaking capsule.

it's a book. they sell it on amazon.

you make your own and it looks like this:

it's $34.95 and a complete bummer. sure, the book is a nice idea, but it's a book of photos and honestly, we would have all been fine if they could have just called it "obama's scrapbook" or "obama's photo album" or whatever. but they just HAD to use the word "capsule." it's dumb and misleading and sad and i got really excited there for a moment.

i really need someone to redeem this for me. 

that is all.

open

sometimes, we just don't see what's right in front of us. this week, i have become consistently aware of the fact that the very thing i'm looking for, often searching desperately for, is staring me directly in the eyes. this happened thursday with my keys (2 hours of my life i'll never get back), and merely set the precedent for the days to come. so i started thinking...if everything i'm frantically trying to locate--if the thing i cannot place is usually in my immediate vicinity despite my ignorance, then perhaps this rings true in less-physical realms. so, i decided to intentionally open my eyes--a bit wider, anyway. and i started noticing things...beautiful things. 

i was feeling numb this weekend. my grandfather just passed away last week and i was feeling as though my emotions had literally run dry. i wanted god to say something to me; i wanted to hear him call my name and i was getting nothing. in this detached state, i met my girlfriends for yoga on the bluff overlooking the ocean. we meet under these beautiful coral trees that were donated to the city of long beach simply on behalf of its citizens as a gift to enhance their lives. i have done yoga a fair bit in this spot, but never did i notice the placard on the large stone at the base of one of the twelve trees. it mentioned the nature of the gift: it was undeserved and unwarranted. it was simply, as written, given on behalf of the citizens. as we stretched in the shade of the lush treetops overhead, i felt an overwhelming sensation of god's love for me. as i turned my heart toward the canopy of foliage above me, i could see the sunlight breaking through. the ocean breeze swept my face and i felt an immediate sense of peace--god had set up this gorgeous moment just for me. his creation...his calm...was more than enough for me. there i was, in triangle pose, undone. sapping out like an idiot.

in case you were wondering, that means i cried. but only a little bit, of course. because, you see, it's quite awkward, and difficult, really, to cry when your entire body is horizontal. but that's neither here nor there. suffice it to say that the very moment i opened my eyes to what was in my visage, i found what i was looking for. god spoke to me. but he is always speaking to me--the real issue is my failure to listen...to look...to hear and see. moreover, upon reading that rock--the tree dedication--i remembered the cross. the beautiful gift that i am beyond undeserving of. it is this gift that inspires me to give as well. i want to be a person who gives without desire for recognition or reciprocation; i want to give on behalf of "the citizens". i want to give because i love the people in my city and world. 

it's too much, really. god is just so good to me. and i am cheesing out...really going for it, because i'm about to upload some photos of the sun. but they are from my neighborhood, and they are insane and gorgeous, and frankly, pretty capable of making atheistic armhairs stand on end. if you just start opening your eyes, you will start to trip out. god is everywhere.